I am so nervous. I am so unbelievable scared.

I just spent an hour on the phone with my lawyer. My case is Monday, and my entire life is dependant on it.

I know I should not have anything to worry about. I have always been honest about everything I’ve written and said to the social security administration.

But I’m still so nervous, I’m fighting back tears. My hand are shaking so bad I can hardly type. The knot is back in my stomach. I can not even think about this going badly. I honestly can not do this any longer if I don’t get help. I am so proud of myself for holding myself together for so long, but I know I can not keep going if something big doesn’t change. I absolutely can not continue like this.

God, I never think like this. I’m an emotional wreck right now.

But you know, since I became sick, Ive always held it together because I’ve had something to look towards. At first, I just focused on the fact that I would be ok once I was able to start seeing a rheumatologist regularly. Then it was “I’ll be ok once these meds kick in.” When these hopes started vanishing it became “I’ll be ok once I can afford better meds” When it became clear that was not going to happen it became “I’ll be ok once I get Medicaid.” Then there was “Everything will be better once I get on Enbrel.” Its supposed to be a miracle drug.

So those hopes have held me together through over two years of pain and misery. And they have all failed me. They have all come to nothing. And in the back of my mind I always have the hope of returning to school. And over the past few months, I have had to come to the realization that I may never be better.

And all my hopes, and all my dreams, everything I wanted for myself…..they may never happen.

And I had some big dreams.


4 Responses

  1. I feel really bad for you. I know what you’re going through. I have rhumatoid arthritis, it’s been rough and at times i have been so depressed it’s been almost hopeless. I still don’t know what i’m going to do. I have to pay a fortune for insurance, I really don’t have the money to pay it but i’ve come up with it so far. I know that won’t last much longer though and I don’t know what i’ll do then. I’m going to check into medicaid and see how that goes. I’ll try and see if I can get that. I can understand that scared feeling. I hope everything works out for you.

  2. Kristian,
    I really hope you can get on Medicaid. I know how it is to put all of your resources into just trying to stay afloat.
    How hard it is to always come up with money you dont have.

    I sincerly hope you have some luck with Medicaid. I was denied several times. I was not approved until after I was offically declared disabled.
    Im not going to lie to you, disability cases are hell, and almost impossible, and I would only recommend going that route if you had no other choice.

    If you have any questions about any part of medicaide/Medicare/Disabilty, please email me. Im not sure I’ll be much help, but it’s always helpful to hear from someone who has been through it.

  3. Hello, I’m new to this blogging and RA! I ran across this blog and thought I’d start here.I was recently diagnosed back in June and started a drug study 5 weeks ago. It’s a double blind study of the combination of Methyltrexate and Humera (possibly). So far, nothing. Stiff and in pain most days. Have Tramadol which does nothing except make me loopy and Ibuprofen 800 which again does very little. My father had RA and so this wonderful gene was passed to me. I’m 36, mother of 2, stepmother of 2, soon to be a grandma, retired Rollerderby girl…now, I’m a CNA doing home health and struggling every day to get through. I’ll take any words of wisdom/encouragement that I can get from anyone who’s been there or is there. Much appreciated…

  4. Hi Ashley.
    I’ll tell you a secret….shh….Thats my name too!
    I’d love to read more about your story. Let me know if you start one, I’ll be happy to link it up to mine.

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