R.A. Nightmares

I fell asleep today and had some very odd dreams. Ever since I got sick, I have had the same dream. It usually varies in someways, but it always comes down to the same thing.

Im always doing something mundane. Walking my dog. Running, Gardening, walking across campus, shopping with my friends.

At some point during the dreams I always realized that something is terribly wrong. Then in my dream I hear my own voice saying ” Wait, I can’t actually do that.” In one dream, after I realized this, I started walking slower and slower. My feet started hardening, and my body started turning to stone. First my feet, and it started to slowly make its way up my legs, until it was over my knees, and up to my hips. And I would feel this horrible anxiety wash over me. Then, I started apologizing. I was pleading to everyone around me to stop it, that I was sorry. I was just trying to do what everyone else was.

Another time, when I realized something was wrong, I started sinking into the ground. Its always slow enough for me to actually think I can get out at first. Then the panic I fell is very real.

When I dreamt about walking my dog, she jerked the leash out of my hand, and I started chasing after her. Then I hear my own voice screaming at me. ” Wait! You don’t have your cane! You can’t get her without it!” And the cane is just hovering over my head. And all of a sudden my dream self can feel pain, and I’m mad because I wasn’t feeling it until I remembered that I should be. I try to jump up to get the cane. But since I’m aware of my limitations I can’t. And my dog is on the other side of the park, just waiting for me. But my voice tells dream me that “It’s no good. Even if you had the cane, you still couldn’t get to her”

It dosn’t exactly take take Freud to analyze these. Pretty obvious. But what’s odd, is that even while I’m awake, sometimes, I am genuinely surprised to find myself in pain.

When I woke up from my nap, I had actually forgotten for a few moments. I tried to jump up out of bed like I always used to do, just to fall back down, as I yelled out in pain. For a split second I was actually shocked. What was wrong? Before it all came back. How could I actually forget? After over three years of this? It doesn’t happen often. Its a very surreal feeling. Almost like I was back in Spring 2005. Like none of it ever happened. Like maybe, I dreamed the past 3 years up.


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