Breakdown at the doctor’s office

So, I’ve never actually cried in front of a doctor before now. In fact, a problem of mine is that I always try to downplay my pain to people around me. ( There are only a few people close enough to me that I can actually be honest with)

After the worst night of my life last year ( You can read about it here) https://raandme.wordpress.com/2008/06/27/rheumatoid-arthritis-and-stress/ , I called my doctor. She asked me how I was doing and I said something along the lines of  “Oh, I’m ok. I’m just having a bit of a bad time” I have no idea why I do that. The woman I was staying with told me to cut it out and to at least me honest with my doctor for goodness sake. How can I expect to get the right treatment if I don’t even tell her how much pain I’m in. I had to admit she made sense.

So I had a doctors appointment last week and I had to see a new doctor. I’m so upset by the visit, that I haven’t been able to make myself write about it. I just start crying again. The poor woman. I still feel like a complete idiot. But after she told me there wasn’t anything she could do about the weight right now, I asked her what the plan is with my knees.

I recently went through six weeks of physical therapy. I havnt updated with pictures from week 4-6 because of the coma my computer was in. And unfortunately it is suffering from complete organ failure. Not to mention amnesia. So I cant upload at the moment.

ANYways, there wasn’t much of an improvement after week three anyway. I feel better. I’m able to walk farther and longer. I actually made it a block and a half last night after a play! I barely made it, and I’m feeling the pain today, but my god! What a difference. It would never have been possible before therapy. So while there were improvements, they are still permanently bent. I still look like I’m preparing to jump. People are still staring at me, and I still hate it.

My physical therapist said my knees will probably never straighten fully again. And that they wouldn’t even get much straighter. Apparently it’s not exactly reversible. The reason it got so bad was that apparently, unconsciously I was protecting my knee by keeping it bent a bit. Because it hurt to bad otherwise.

I had a ton of Xrays taken two months ago and I’ve been waiting for the results. She pulled of the radiologist report for the eighteen Xrays, and it was exactly two sentences and said that there was evidence of R.A.

I said ” Thats all it said? Eighteen Xrays, and they tell me I have R.A. I already knew that. What was the point? ”

The other sentence said something about the bones in my knees. Fortunately the bones were not too damaged. Its everything surrounding it that’s damaged. Ligaments, etc. So since the actual bones are not that bad, I don’t qualify for knee replacements. So basically what it comes down to is that I have to keep looking like this! For god knows how long!

Now I’m upset again. The only way I made it through the wait to get on Medicare is by hoping that once I got on it and had proper medical treatment, I could get better. Not healed of course, but better.

I guess I’ve been painfully naive. I guess it was silly to think that. It comes down to the fact that its just too late. They have been like this too long now to do anything about it.  I don’t want to complain and sound like I’m pitying myself. But I do want to be honest. It’s the whole point of this blog. And I dont mean to wax melodramatic. I keep trying to put it out of my head.

It just that now I don’t have anything to look forward to. No next step to make it to. And now I don’t know what to do.

Advertisements

One Response

  1. My heart goes out to you. You are stronger than me. I cried every single visit I had with the rheumatalogist. The only thing that kept me going was seeing a naturopath who gave me hope in all of this. Good luck. Cathy

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: