Warning: Self indulgent post

Am I perpetually disappointed in people because I expect too much?

I don’t think thats the case, because I dont expect too much. I dont expect anything from anyone.

Am I perpetually disapointed because Im too critical? I know I am. But I usually keep my critical observations to myself.

It is very hard for me to rely on people. In fact, there is not a single person in my life that I can be one hundred percent completely open with.

I have a group of friends who are very intelligent and funny who are very fun to be around, but the slightest hint of actual emotions makes them very uncomfortable.

I have a couple friends who like to come over and get a pick me up. Who are very needy and just need someone to tell them that they are going to be ok, but could never return the favor. Or even notice that other people in this world have problems too.

I have a close friend who was basically raised by an older brother. She’s a great listener, and we can tell each other most things. She is the least judgmental person I know. But we dont have anything in common anymore. We have fundamentally different beliefs about religion, and life, etc. In fact, everything about her life is the opposite of what I want for mine. When she gets on a religious kick, she avoids me because according to her psycho church, Im a bad influence for making her question things too much. Even though Im the only one of her friends who hasnt ended up drunks, or on drugs, or worse. So our conversations can be great but dont seem to last too long.

I have someone who I thought was a close friend. We made plans to go to school in England together for a year. We made all the arrangements right before I became sick. He is there now and has been for two years. He came home for Christmas and I hadn’t seen him since last christmas. I was so excited. He was supposed to get here on the fifth and said he would call me when he got in. Well a few days passed and I didnt think anything about it. I figured he was busy with family and whatnot. Well a week went by and he still hadn’t called. Then my best friend M-who he has been in love with since god knows when- says that he called her on the fifth and came over to see her a few days later. He also called my brother and they hung out. He left today and never did come by. Im a little heartbroken. But I was far too stubborn to call him after I knew he was avoiding me. I got him a book that I was so excited to give him for Christmas. Guess Ill just keep it.

I have another friend who comes over when she thinks theres a high chance of seeing my little brother. You would think she would be the best person to talk to because she has been through so much. She had lukeimia when we were in high school. She made a full recovery after three years, and her joints were destroyed from the medications she used. So shes had knee replacements, etc. But mostly she just wants to talk about my brother and why he wont return her phone calls.

My mother’s sister has always been around. She is the least dependable person I know. Recently she borrowed my car for a week, and left me with so little gas that I ran out before I could get to a gas station. That is very typical behavior for her.

My father had to go through Dallas on his way back to Houston so I drove me and my brother up to meet him and my sister. He is so completely oblivious to how hurtful he is sometimes. He told us about how when he moved to Houston it was because he was running away. He said we were just too much for him to deal with. And that that is also why he married so soon after my mother died. Because he just couldn’t handle us four kids.

Usually I can just compartmentalize all these things that bother me so much, but every once in a while I just have to get it out. And thats why I am writing this rant. Because I wont get it out otherwise.


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