I watched my friends leave tonight to go out. I, like always, stayed behind. Maybe this will be one of the last times that happens.

Nothing has ever been worth the pain that can accompany me when I have to go out. I’ve missed dinners, and holidays, and birthdays, and graduations.  I always make an attempt to join in on my better days, but for the last year or two it has been rare.

Sometimes I think back on all the things I’ve missed and it’s so hard to try and stay positive. My friends have all moved on. They’re graduating college, getting married, moving across country, and just having fun. Im sitting here dreading a trip to the bathroom because those thirty or so steps are going to be excruciating.

I dont care what the risks are. I would give ANYthing to have these new knees. I would literally give anything. To not feel this constant-never-leaves-you pain will be a miracle.

There hasn’t been a single day in the last four years that I haven’t felt it. This surgery is going to be the best thing that has ever happened to me.


What I’ve been up to

One of my best friends came to visit over the weekend. She is amazingly cool. We have been really good friends for years. I was a bridesmaid at her wedding last summer. She moved a few states away with her new husband and this is the first time I’ve seen her.

It was really awkward.

She told me about her awesome job writing and editing for a magazine. She just got back from a trip to Europe with her husband and in laws. She tried to play it down by telling me nothing really exciting happened. Then asked me if I had any good stories ( I used to have the best stories. haha)

Unfortunately the best thing I could come up with was that my sister’s dog ate my neighbors cat.

That’s right. An entire year apart, and that’s what I had to show for it. A story about the weird cat obsessed neighbor. She told me I sounded like her mom. Always complaining about the neighbors cats. Yea, she’s probably right. My chronological age may be 23 but apparently I’ve turned into an old woman who sits at home all day watching her soaps.

Another friend of mine moved to D.C. Another one is going to law school. Me? I spend my days talking to my dog. And complaining about the neighbors cats.

Before I got sick I had planned on studying abroad. I always made very good grades. I always worked very hard. I should be the one moving across country. I always wanted to move away from here. But it looks like I’ll be stuck here for awhile.

Next week me and my older brother have to sign another years lease. Who knows, maybe the dog will get out again so I’ll have another story for the next time I get a visit.

Oh, and I don’t really watch soap operas ; )


It’s not me. It’s you.

OK, maybe this is selfish of me. But I just going to go ahead and say it.

I am so unbelievably sick to death of people.

I feel like I spend my days taking care of everyone else. I have had an awful week. Full of pain, lack of sleep, and extreme nausea. I just want to be left alone. Wednesday I was trying to sleep off my nausea and I kid you not; my phone rang thirteen times in under 3 hours. I could not make this crap up. Everyone wanted something. The same people would call over and over. Everyone wanted to complain about their problems and whine incessantly about every little problem.

I cant sympathize with them. I can not make myself care. And it isnt their fault.

I just want to be a recluse.

One of them even decided to just showed up after I ignored her calls. She came to my house, and when I didn’t answer the door, she walked into my home. She walked all the way to my bedroom. When she opened the door, I put my head under the blanket. She came in anyways! She sat in there for two hours. Even after I told her how terrible I felt. She still kept talking….

I mean, my God, I was not even wearing pants! I was in bed of course, but that is not the point. No pants=no visitors. Don’t people understand this? In what culture is that ok?

So, Im just going to have to be less nice. I want to be left alone to wallow in self pity.

I do ok alone. I am not one of those sad miserable people who shouldn’t be left alone because they become depressed or suicidal. I’m one of those people who become depressed when I don’t have enough alone time.

But I can not do that. Because the people in my life think it is all about them. Everyone thinks it’s about them.