Im moving on

Hey everyone.

It’s been four months since my last post and just about that long since I’ve had time to read anyone elses.

I started this blog in March 2008. Which was probably the lowest point in my life.

I’m now five years into this disease and I feel like I have experienced more ups and downs than some people experience in a lifetime. This blog was the single greatest source of comfort for me in a time that I had nothing else. Connecting with everyone else in the R.A. community has been a truly life changing experience. And, more than anything else, I give it credit for saving my sanity and pulling me out of a deep hole of despair.

But I feel like it’s time to move on. It’s been one year since my first knee replacement, 11 months since my second, and three weeks since my hip replacement, and I am pleased to announce that I feel half way human again. I’m still fighting the war, but these key battles have changed my life completely. I started back at school in the fall, and have completed two full time semesters with a 4.0 average. I’ve won awards for my art work, and I am all set to transfer to the University this fall. I’ve moved into a new apartment, and finally feel like I have my life back on track.

I still struggle daily with my R.A. but I have improved drastically. It has been a long hard road to recovery after three and a half years without insurance. I still feel angry about how our system failed me, but I’m feeling less and less like a victim with each new step.

I’m going to take a break, and someday I may be back. But for now, I dont need this blog. I’m making it out there on my own and it feels great.

If anyone with R.A. ever stumbles on this blog, I want them to know that everything will be ok. I promise.

And I am still always available if anyone needs me or just needs someone to listen. raandme at gmail.com

Denied

I’m so bitter about health care right now. I’m so bitter that my worth as a human being and the amount of treatment available to me is based on the amount of paper in my wallet.

My feet are really bad because of the years my legs were messed up. Now I can’t stand more than a few minutes without a large of pain. Just like before the surgery.

They want seven hundred dollars for custom foot inserts. Nothing else has worked and my insurance wont cover it.

I started a new medicine called Rituxin. I havent seen any improvement. My doctor wants me to try a combination of Rituxin and Humira but my insurance wont cover it. What if my hands go like the rest of my body? They hurt so bad all the time. I find myself just staring at my swollen fingers. Terrified that they’re going to be irreparable like my knees and hips and elbows. Every day I just imagine the amount of cartilage that was destroyed that day.

On top of that, my right knee is already grinding down after only 6 months because of the position of my hips and knee. I will probably have to have it repaired. But my surgeon is in no hurry to do it. He wants to exhaust all other options. At this point I don’t see myself being able to go to school next semester.

Oh, and I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. She pressed several points on my body and they were so tender I yelped.  My body hurts all over to the touch.

I feel like I’m falling apart. I’m so frustrated right now. I’m so disgusted with this country’s health care system. How can anyone be proud to live in a country that lets a 20-year-old woman suffer from a disease with no medical treatment until she has suffered so much irreversible damage that she will feel the effects for the rest of her life? How can this still be happening?

I want to give up. I’m so tired. I’m so unbelievably tired of all of this. And I feel so powerless.

Cowboy Up

I had a follow up with my surgeon this  week.

So, we decided that the hip definitely needs to come out. He says it’s at the end of its life, and I agree. It’s also problematic in that it is keeping my new knee from getting straight.

The only thing is that now that Im finally back in school, I dont want to have to take a semester off. Christmas break isnt long enough to recover, so I want to try and hold off until I get out for the summer in May. Thats eight months though. It seems like an eternity.

The thought of it really scares me. Which is a bit odd since my knee replacements went so well. And have literally changed my life dramatically for the better. I guess it’s irrational and the secret pessimist in me, but it’s almost as if Im scared that theres no way it could go so well three times in a row. Haha. I know. Silly.

But life has been wonderful for me lately. I have to stop myself from overdoing it sometimes. I have to remind myself that I have other joints that arent acting the way I want just because I have new knees.

But my legs are still getting stronger and stronger. I can stand for so much longer. Before the surgery, 20 seconds would feel like torture. I can walk pretty far too. Before the surgery I couldnt get across the apartment without a break. I stood on my bed tonight to dust off a shelf. I havent been able to do something like that in years. So I’m still doing these tiny things that just overwhelm me sometimes.

As far as the other joints go, it looks like Humira is just not cutting it. Shoulders, elbows, wrist, and fingers are becoming very problematic for school. I have to do something if I want to continue in art courses.

So I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. I dont really have a plan yet. I guess I’m just going to try and cowboy up and deal with the hip issues for now and see how it goes.

Is it finally over?

I finished my post surgery physical therapy.

I’ve been doing physical therapy now for almost fourteen months. Almost continuously. So it feels good to be done for now. 

My right knee never did get much straighter though. It’s still about ten degrees from straight while I’m standing. It’s frustrating, but it looks like something I’m just going to have to deal with for now.  It’s still better than the forty degrees it was before the surgery!

I have an appointment with my surgeon in about three weeks. I’ll see then if he wants to do anything about it.

But until then, no more physical therapy!!!!

Ups and down

Its amazing how you can be on top of the world one week, and the next week, R.A. can bring you so far down.

The initial relief I felt from my meds have slowly stopped working and Im in the midst of a hard core flare. The last few of my joints that haven’t been affected have finally jumped on the R.A. bandwagon. Now that my shoulders and ankles are in the mix, the only unaffected joints are my new knees. Jaw, neck, shoulders, elbows, wrist, fingers, hips, ankles, and toes.

On top of that my recent Xrays show joint damage not only from Rheumatoid Arthritis, but from Osteoarthritis as well. I dont even know how it’s possible. Im only twenty four. How is this happening???

I feel, like once again, I let my  hopes up too high.

I have amazing new knees, and I’m still very grateful, but its like my white blood cells want to make it up by attacking my other joints even harder.

Im still so frustrated at the simplest things I cant do. I actually had to miss a grave side service yesterday. Now I’ve missed alot of things in the past couple years. Birthdays, graduations, dinners. But never a funeral. And so that is a whole new low for me.

Im desperately, desperately, trying to stay positive. But I feel like Im loosing the fight right now.

My knee still isnt straight. And my hip pain has made walking almost as painful as before. My rheumatologist gave me the name of a pain management specialist. Im so frustrated I just want to give up. I dont even want to try anymore. Why did I think everything would be solved after my new knees? I never thought everything else would fall apart. But of course. Of course.

There is still a chance that the meds will start working again. It’s only been two months. Im still doing my physical therapy at the clinic and here at home. Im not going to stop of course, but it’s hard to stay motivated right now.

I went out to eat with a friend a couple night ago. The retraunt is right off the highway so it was really loud. A very large man started yelling at us across the parking lot. I looked at my friend and said ” Is that crazy man yelling at us?”

As we got closer, he kept gesturing at me, and said “What happened? Whats wrong with you?”

I swear on my life this happened. And so I tell him and he calmly said “Oh, ok.” and climbed into his car and drove away.

Is this happening to anyone else?

New Knees for Lisa

I just got this link from Rheumatoid Arthritis Guy’s Blog

http://newkneesforlisa.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2009-07-06T21%3A15%3A00-04%3A00&max-results=4

This is from Lisa’s Blog:

     After 12 years of living with rheumatoid arthritis, I need total knee replacements I can’t afford. So I decided  to throw myself at the mercy of the internet. Can the kindness of friends, friends of friends, and total strangers raise $7,600 and give me my life back?

Lisa has currently raised almost $3,400 towards her goal of $7,600.

________________

Let me say, I understand where she is coming from. I understand the enormous burden of medical bills. There have been many times when I couldnt even afford the bare minimum in medications. Or visits to the Rheumatologist. If it wasnt for me finally getting Medicare, I would still be in the same position. 

And now that I have so recently had two total knee replacements, and know the relief they will give her, I wish I could give her every penny she needs. And now only $4,200 stands in her way.

Who says stuff like that?

I had a bit of a setback these past couple of weeks. Both physically and emotionally. I’ve been trying to stay upbeat, but am still a bit down.

The hip pain that I’ve mentioned seems to only get worse and worse. The option of another replacement has even been tentatively put on the table. It’s something I really would like to avoid. My knee replacements went very well, but I know hip replacements are even more complicated and painful. On top of the R.A., I also have bursitis on my right hip which is making it worse. My rheumatologist gave me a steroid shot, but I think she missed, because it didn’t do any good.

On a brighter note, my knees almost never hurt anymore. Especially the left. Unfortunately, I still haven’t been able to get the right knee completely straightened. It took over a month of intense therapy to get it from 18 degrees from straight to 4 degrees. I had a week and a half break while switching from home health to outpatient therapy. In that one and a half weeks, my knee went back to the eighteen degrees. As you can imagine, my frustration levels are through the roof. As I’m sure anyone who has ever been through this type of surgery knows, the physical therapy has been a very difficult and painful process, and I’ve worked very hard. And all that work went down the drain. Even though I kept up with the exercises I could do. But…. I’m back in outpatient therapy. At the end of the month, it will be a year of almost constant physical therapy and at this moment in times, my knee is still bent. 

So, if anyone has been reading my posts, you’ll know how much I’ve been looking forward to shopping for clothes to show off my new knees. In fact, I’ve thought of it as a sort of gift to myself for making it through these past few months of surgery and recovery. I haven’t wanted to buy clothes until I lost some of the Prednisone weight, but decided to buy a few things to try and cheer me up from the setback from my knee.

I swear this story is true. I couldn’t make this stuff up. After you read this, you might understand why I hate leaving my apartment. Oh, if it was only a one time thing……..Alas, it is not.

So…..I take my wheelchair because of the ever increasing hip pain and because I’m still not at the point where I can stand for a long time. Nowhere near enough time to shop anyway. I felt really good. I had gotten my hair colored and cut a few days before. I had whitened my teeth, and gotten new make up. I felt like I looked better than I had in a long time. And for the first time in an extremely long time, I put some effort into my looks. So I found a few things to buy and went to pay.

The cashier asked for my I.D. because I payed with my debit card. She looks at the I.D. (which was taken pre-prednisone) and she sort of laughed and looked at me like I was trying to play a trick on her.

She said ” This isn’t really you.” giggle giggle.

I knew where this was going, because it’s happened to me several times. So I reply curtly “Yes, its me.”

“Well you’ve certainly put on some weight haven’t you?” I felt like someone punched me in the gut. There were several people behind me in line and my cousin was with me and there were several other cashiers and customers in the immediate area who could hear it all.

I was horrified, and just replied with a sarcastic “Thank you so much for that…..”

This is were it gets bad. You could tell she wasn’t  being hateful. She was just genuinely dumb.

She looked a little shamed, and as if to make it better she looked at me in my WHEELchair and says, “Oh, dont worry hon, you can run that off in no time”

I just looked at her in genuine amazed shock and noticed the other cashiers’ eyes bug out as they quickly averted their gaze. My cousin was really angry and says “She obviously cant.”

So the woman once again realized her foot was in her mouth, and so once again tried to make me feel better by saying ” You know it’s ok you’re in a wheelchair. Sometimes I really wish I was so I wouldn’t have to walk so much.”

I had a million retorts running through my mind, but was just so angry and mortified, I just hightailed it out of there. I tried to laugh it off, because honestly it’s a bit funny looking back. WHO SAYS STUFF LIKE THAT?!

I tried to put it out of my head, but it really upset me. For years, I’ve dealt with this sort of thing. Strangers looking at my legs like I was some sort of circus act. Gasping, and asking what was wrong with me.

In another post about a year ago I wrote about a woman who kept looking at me and then at my I.D. back and forth, and then asked me pityingly, “What happened to you?”

I had thought that once my more obvious signs of R.A. were gone, people would bother me so much. But apparently my weight horrifies them now. People, from strangers to my own grandfather, wont leave me alone about my weight.

It’s like they think I don’t know. That they need to bring it to my attention so I’ll do something about it. Trust me I know. I can’t even stand to look in the mirror. I’m nearly one hundred pound heavier than I was less than two years ago. Im horrified by it. I haven’t been able to lose a single pound no matter what I’ve done. But the only thing keeping me from being completely bed ridden was the Prednisone and I would do it all over again. I would take every pound. I don’t know anyone who can understand the concept of that kind of pain. How can you even begin to explain this sort of thing to a dumb cashier? So I just give up.

All of my friends tried to reassure me, but when I go in public, there is usually a high chance of all my insecurities being pointed out to me.

It’s just so hard to live with this disease and have no one understand it.

My best friend’s sister ( who, like the cashier wasn’t being hateful, just extremely ignorant) was once talking to me about R.A. drug commericals. She was trying to make small talk so she brings them up and starts laughing and said “Aren’t they ridiculous?! I just want to say, God, just take a freakin aspirin and get over it.” Giggle giggle.  She said that to me. Knowing my full story and  struggles. She wants to say that to them. So in other words, she wants to say to me. It’s just ignorance. And usually, I can let these things slide. But this cashier the other day, just wrecked me.

I cried for hours. I’m crying now just thinking about it. Everyone says not to let some dumb cashier get me so down, but I cant help it. My friends were so mad. They wanted to know the store and her name so they could get her fired. I declined the offer. It certainly wouldn’t make me feel any better. They were mad because almost every time I get the confidence up to start going places, something like this happens, and like some sort of turtle, I just pop back into my shell. It’s frustrating to them I’m sure. And rationally, I am perfectly aware of how dumb it is to miss out on things because of my own pride. But I just can’t help it.

Where did the pain go?

My knee is healing so quickly! It was so stubborn at first so I thought it was going to be more difficult than the right knee. But some of the exercises I wasn’t even able to do with my right knee until week five, I’ve been able to do with the left within the first three.

And it’s almost straight! Just a few more degrees. I had my stitches removed Monday. It wasnt quite as pretty as my right incision, but Im not complaining.

In fact, I think it’s time to post before and after pics. I’m hesitant, because my legs aren’t the prettiest right now. Or then. But I’m excited so here it goes.

Before

After

You can see the right leg poking out just a bit, but it’s almost there 🙂

Can you understand how happy I am? I had to walk around (and not very well!) with those bent knees for years.

I wrote a post once about how sometimes I used to wake up and for a split second before I was fully awake I forgot and I would move to hop out of bed and was surprised that my body was in so much pain.

It’s the opposite with my knees now. Every time I stand, I’m still expecting that excruciating pain I used to feel. And it’s just not there. And it still surprises me. The pain from the surgery is starting to wear off and my knees almost don’t hurt at all! Four years of unbearable pain. Pain that was so bad sometimes all I could manage in a whole day was making a trip to the bathroom.

Two summers ago I was staying with my best friends parents. My best friend came home from college for her birthday and was so excited to spend the day with me. She had all sorts of plans for shopping and movies, and dinner. I woke up early and shuffled so very very very slowly and painfully to the bathroom. Then I sat down in the vanity chair and tried to recover. Everyone woke up an hour later and I was still sitting there. They went out to eat and I said I would try to make shopping latter. When they came back I had managed to walk the ten or so steps to the dinning room table. I sat to recover. I told them I wasn’t going to make the shopping. But I’d try to make the movie. Three hours latter they came back and I had made it to the kitchen eat in counter. I missed the movie. I felt so terrible that I missed her birthday. And then by night time I had finally made it back to bed. I literally sat  all day. And I’ve had so many many many days like this.

Days before the insurance, and medication. Before the steroids and Enbrel. Before the physical therapy and the surgeries. I know what R.A. is at it’s worst and it is horrific. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. And it’s not just pain that it brings. It’s embarrassment and shame, self pity, frustration, anger and disappointment and a whole lot more.

But do you know how lucky we all are who have this disease now? Can you imagine what it was like to have R.A.  even a few decades ago? Treatment plans are so drastically different. We have so many different and more powerful medicines available. I think about that sometimes. If I had been born in my grandmothers time, would my life have been nothing but those kinds of days?

The Joys of Medication

Its been almost two weeks since I have been allowed to start taking my R.A. meds again. Namely methotrexate and Humira. I’ve had two doses of Methotrexate and one of Humira. This is my first attempt at Humira though. But I’m already loving the fact that I only have to have the injection every two weeks instead of weekly.

I’m already feeling improvements in my hands, wrists, and elbows. I still have three stubborn fingers, but they should get better with time. I know there are alotof people who hate the idea of taking these types of medication. In fact, at least one rude man likes to write to me occasionallyabout the evils of medication, etc. But the fact of the matter is, that after four years of this disease, I know what works for my body. And the only thing that has ever worked for me is the medication.

My father is a huge believer in alternative medicine. Overbearingly so. I have tried many many many things. I have tried almost anything you could possibly think of. Everyone’s body is different and everyone has the right to seek whatever means available to them for treatment. I would never tell anyone who is fighting R.A. holistically that it is useless and a waste of energy and money. Because it does wonders for some people. But it’s not for everyone. Just like pharmaceuticals aren’t for everyone.

I’ve had to argue the point with my Dad until it’s become a sore subject. It’s also an issue online. Bottom line is that I know my body. I know what has given me relief. And I know what hasn’t. I have never had a single negative reaction from any medication in the past four years. (Besides weight gain) So maybe I’m biased, but I’m throwing my towel in with the side that helps me feel less pain. Period. And I don’t regret it. If some of the people who talk down at me for my preference spent one days in my shoes, they might think differently too. 🙂

In other news, it’s been three weeks since my right knee replacement. It is finally starting to get straight! Slowly but surely. Tomorrow I have my follow up appointment and should be able to have my stitches removed. Walkingis still difficult because of my hip pain, but I have an appointment with my Rheummy on Tuesday. As my grandfather would say, I have “a touch” of bursitis in the ole hip. So a shot may fix me up nicely.

My left knee is doing fantastically. I have full range of motion, and have regained alot of strength. I’ve been Miderma-ing the hell out of the scar. There still have not been any complications in the slightest. I know alot of people have had it rough with their joint replacements, so believe me, I know how lucky I am.

So I’ve made a list of three health goals for this summer.

1)Do well enough in rehab so that I can take some art classes at the community college this Fall. Getting back to school has been my one big goal since I was forced to quit. I know Fall will be too soon for the University, but I think slowly readjusting back to school life through the community college will be good.

2)Get my hip pain under control. It’s the only thing holding me back now.

3)Get completely off the Prednisone, and start losing some of the weight I’ve gained. Two years of non stop high doses of steroids= roughly eighty five extra pounds. I still can’t stand to look in the mirror, so it’s good to know that I’m at the end of the hell that is Prednisone.

I think they’re realistic goals. I have complete faith in myself. Even if I cant accomplish all three, it wont be from lack of trying. That’s for sure.

Another New Knee II

Im finally beginning to feel like  myself again. It’s been eight days since my second total knee replacement. It’s been a rough week but Im finally emerging from the fog of medication and pain.

In fact, today I only took a fraction of the pain medication that I have been on the past week.

I had my left knee  replaced six weeks ago. And…….its pretty much completely healed. I have full range of motion and can walk on it with no pain. It’s still a bit stiff sometimes, but that should go away with time.

It’s really amazing. It’s something that is really hard for me to explain. Since my first symptoms hit me over four years ago, my knees were always my worse joints. My ability to walk was immediately and painfully affected. Each step I’ve taken in the last four years has caused me pain. And I’m not exaggerating. Even on my best days, my knees ached. And now after so long, Im so close. So close to a pain free step.

Just one step.

One pain free step. And then another. And then another.

Just thinking about it overwhelms me. I want to scream for joy. And cry in relief. I want to run to the door and yell out that finally, finally, Im going to be ok.

It’s making it a bit difficult for me to wait on my new knee to heal. It’s being a bit more stubborn than the left. In fact, at the moment, it is still just as bent as it was before my surgery. BUT…..It will straighten. It’s just going to take some intense physical therapy. And Lord knows I’m going to put my all into it.

I’m being a bit silly, because I cant help but be slightly disappointed that this one isnt going as easy as the last. I’ve been waiting for years to put on a pair of jeans, look down, and see completely straight and normal looking knees. Haha. It seems like such a small thing. But it will be a very happy day indeed.

On a brighter note, this knee is stronger than the last one thanks to the physical therapy I’ve been doing with the other leg, so I’m recovering faster in that regard. I can get up and down faster and easier, and with no assistance. It’s bending better and at a faster rate than the other.

Just not straightening.

But I have my usual physical therapist back. She was on vacation last week, so I had two different substitutes. They didn’t even actually touch my leg at all. My usual therapist pulls and pushes and stretches. It is actually extremely painful. But it works. And it always feels better afterwards. So now that she’s back I am feeling more optimistic that it will be straight soon enough.

So overall, everything is good. I don’t want to give the impression that total knee replacement surgery is a breeze and anyone should do it without a second thought. But for me, every bit of pain has been completely worth it. It’s hard for me to complain about things like pain and lack of sleep when I’ve been given such a gift. And my ability to walk pain free again. There is no doubt in my mind that this was the right decision. And Im sure that in another five weeks, Im going to be walking all over the place!

Physical Therapy-Guest Post

Why Physical Therapy is Important

There’s nothing more painful than an injury that requires a surgery, except the actual surgery and the recovery process of course. My brother-in-law met with a really bad accident a year ago; his hip bone was crushed and he had to have a series of reconstructive surgeries in order to be able to even think of walking again. The pain was unbearable for months, and he was bed-ridden and completely dependent on his caregivers for even the smallest of things.

But then, the moment physical therapy entered the picture, there was such a marked difference in both his attitude and his feelings – he was more upbeat, and even though he was still in pain, he was able to grin and bear it. It made me and the rest of my family realize how vital physical therapy is to the process of recuperation after a major surgery, especially those that involve setting broken bones, reconstructing torn ligaments, and others that affect movement at the joints. Physiotherapy is important because:

• It expedites the healing process: When you start physiotherapy with a good therapist, you start feeling better in leaps and bounds. Although the exercises may be painful at first, when you stick with them, they give you considerable relief from the pain and stiffness.
• It gives you a sense of achievement: Even if you do your exercises for just 30 minutes or so a day, you feel that it’s much better than just lying in bed and doing nothing. Being active, even in the most minimum of ways, gives you a sense of achievement that is important when you’re recovering from a serious injury.
• It reduces the pain considerably: The exercises themselves may seem to increase the pain, but the truth is that they are carefully designed to minimize it. If you stop doing them because of the pain, your joints and muscles are never going to get back to the way they were before. And the resulting stiffness and unnaturalness are going to make you ache more than ever before.
• It improves your range of motion and flexibility: Most physical therapy exercises are structured to improve your range of motion and flexibility when you’re trying to recuperate from a surgery at a major joint like the hip or the knee. If you don’t do them properly, you’re going to find yourself with limited movement and may end up limping for life.
• It enhances muscle strength: Exercises that come later in your recover period are focused on building strength in your muscles. This prevent you from suffering the same injury again (because you do tend to be weak) and also helps you support yourself using your muscles rather than your bones and joints bearing your whole body weight.

By-line:

This article is written by Kat Sanders, who regularly blogs on the topic of online physical therapy assistant schools at her blog Physical Therapy Blog. She welcomes your comments and questions at her email address: katsanders25@gmail.com.

Another new knee

I had my second total knee replacement Monday. It’s been a rough week. And……that is a huge understatement.

There were some serious pain control issues during my hospital stay. There was a horrible horrible nurse who had some sort of personal vendetta against pain meds. So long story short, I check myself out early after sitting all day without any pain meds. I will never use that hospital again.

But now I’m home. I have a home health nurse who is amazing and I am still doing my physical therapy.

This knee replacement hasn’t gone nearly as smooth as the last one. I was expecting it to be much easier, but it’s just not the case.  Im still extremely happy. It’s just through a fog of pain and medication. For the last few days I’ve basically been laying around drooling.

Anyways, I just wanted to write a little update. My next post is actually going to be a guest post. Hope you guys like it. I might start doing them more often.

I can walk.

I’m moving around so well. Even with one good knee. It’s been four and a half weeks since my total knee replacement. And just a few more days until my next one.

My life has already changed drastically. Anyone looking in from the outside might not think that’s the case. But everyday I get out of bed I’m amazed. Every time I walk a hundred feet I am amazed. Every time I can stand more than thirty seconds I am amazed.

The pain I used to have in my left knee was so unbearable that the knee replacement surgery felt like a vacation! I told everyone that I would take knee replacement surgery over the arthritis pain any day.

Today I met my neighbor. A sweet little lady who lives next door. She has some mobility issues also, and my brother takes her trash out and helps her with little things when she needs them. I’ve gotten out so little in the past eleven months we’ve lived here, that I had never once met her. She said she saw me out yesterday and today and that something amazing must have happened.

And it has. Just the fact that I could stand long enough to have a five minute conversation could never have happened before.

My legs have been in such bad shape that it is making the recovery a long and hard process, but one that I am jumping into wholeheartedly.

Every part of my legs from my hips to the soles of my feet have been affected.  And I have been working so hard at getting back into shape. I already have a range of motion of 115 degrees. My doctor eventually wants me at 120 degrees, so I’m almost there.

My right knee is the only thing holding me back. Monday is the day. After Monday I wont have to be ashamed and embarrassed when people look at me. Kids wont stop and stare. People wont come up to me and asked me whats wrong with my knees.

I put on a pair of jeans last week. It was so amazing. I looked down and I had a knee that looked completely normal. It looked like everyone elses.

My stitches were removed a few days ago. My scar in very thin. And much smaller than I was expecting. I thought my days of shorts and cure little dresses were over. No sir. Once Im able to loose this Prednisone weight, I’m going to go nuts! Do you know how hard it is to shop for clothes that work around bent and deformed knees? Its hard. Trust me.

I’m still so happy. I had what should have been a terrible past few days. My doc forgot to call in my pain meds over the weekend. My R.A. is still very active in my other joints since I’m still of my R.A. meds. I was pulled over because my break lights were broken and I got a ticket. And that was some of the milder problems, but I’m still on too big of a high from this miracle of a knee. It’s given me a different outlook. It’s something I hope I don’t lose.  I cant stay upset too long.

Is there anyone who can appreciate walking as much as I do right now? It hardly seems possible.

Relief

I had a follow up appointment with my Rheumatologist today. Everyone was so excited about my knee! Im on week eleven without my R.A. meds with the exception of Prednisone. And it will be at least four more weeks.

It’s been so worth it.

Now that my most painful knee is out of the equation, I’m handling the rest relatively well. It’s hard to be annoyed at the morning stiffness when my new knee is coming along so nicely.

I was a bit naughty and drove myself to the doctor. I’ve been told driving was out of the question, but my left knee was the one operated on and I don’t use that leg when driving anyway.

On my way home it finally hit me. What a miracle this new knee is. And I started bawling like a little baby. I had to pull over. It’s like I could actually feel the weight coming off my shoulders. I have never cried out of happiness or relief, but today I did.

Only two weeks after surgery and Im already getting around on my own. And that’s with just one good knee and no meds!

I cant even imagine how amazing I’m going to feel in another couple of months. It’s so close.

The Next Knee

I had my follow up appointment with my surgeon. My knee is looking great. I’ve been getting around without the walker and now I’m back to my trusty cane.

I looked like a complete goob today but couldn’t make myself care less. I got the usual stares that seem to accompany me wherever I go, but I can’t even blame them this time. First of all, my gait is completely hilarious. Since I have one straight leg and one bent leg, I’m looking a bit like this:

To compensate for the height difference, I now have to stand on my tip toes on my right leg. And since my knee replacement was only two weeks ago, Im still a bit wobbly. I feel like a new born horse. When they’re all shaky and unsure of themselves.

In addition to my lovely physique, I had a decidedly unusual fashion delimma. After surgery they make you wear these super tight bright white stockings to prevent clots. I have to wear them literally all the time with the exception of showers. So this morning I realized that I couldn’t wear jeans wince the surgeon would want to examine my knees.

My wardrobe is very small at the moment because of the steroid weight I’ve gained. I don’t own a dress that fits at the moment, so my only option was a pair of green cargo-esque capri pants. Over my white stockings. With a pair of sparkly black slippers since my usual flip flops weren’t an option, and my feet have been too swollen for normal shoes.

It was pretty funny.

But I found out my second surgery wont be until June 1st. It was a bit disappointing. It’s going to make physical therapy an issue since I only get so many visits a year covered on my insurance. Not only that, but it will be an additional three weeks with no R.A. meds. Ugh. Ugh. Double Ugh.

But the longer I think about it, the more I think it will be for the best. My left leg should be stronger so it should make the recovery that much easier.

The reason they are delaying is because they want to make sure the left leg is completely healed because of the infection risk. My silly immune system would not be helpful. And I know what a big deal an infection can be. One of my closest friends had her knees replaced when she was nineteen. She had leukemia and all the medications and steroids destroyed her joints. When she had her knees replaced, one got infected. And it was not good. So even though I’m disappointed my surgery wont be next Monday, I can see why they’re waiting. If it wasn’t for Memorial Day, I could get in a week sooner. But what can you do?

Anyways, I’m pretty upbeat today, it felt so good to be out of the apartment. Everything is so green. Im missing so many lovely photo opportunities! At least it’s for a good reason.